Shanta Milner, LPC, NCC

Girl, let’s talk.

If you’ve recently gone through a breakup, you already know, it’s not just the ending of a relationship. It’s the ending of routines, of “good morning” texts, of knowing exactly who you’re calling when something amazing or terrible happens. It’s the loss of the person you imagined your future with, and even if you’re the one who ended it, the grief can hit like a sucker punch you never saw coming.

The Grief No One Warns You About

Breakup grief is different. It’s not just sadness; it’s the ache in your chest when you roll over in bed and realize there’s no one there. It’s the tears that come out of nowhere when you hear “your song” in the grocery store. It’s not something you just “get over,” no matter what other people might say. And that’s the thing…everybody seems to have an opinion about how long you’re “allowed” to grieve. Some people will say, “It’s been three months. You should be over it by now.”

Others might tell you, “Girl, just get out there and meet someone new.” But here’s the truth: there is no expiration date on heartbreak. Healing is not a sprint, it’s more like one of those winding country roads that you can’t see the end of yet, but you just keep driving, hoping each mile feels a little lighter than the last.

The Weight of Expectations

One of the hardest parts after a breakup isn’t always the loss itself, it’s the pressure. The pressure to look like you’re thriving. The pressure to post selfies with captions like “new chapter, new me” when really you’re sitting in your bed eating cereal at 2 a.m. wondering what went wrong. People mean well when they tell you to “move on” or “stay busy,” but sometimes what you actually need is the opposite, to slow down, feel the feelings, and allow yourself to grieve fully without rushing the process.

Therapy: The Safe Space You Didn’t Know You Needed

Now let’s be real, therapy is not just for when you’re “broken.” It’s for when you’re trying to rebuild. Talking to someone who isn’t your mom, your best friend, or your co-worker gives you a space to unpack the mess in your head without judgment. Therapy can help you see patterns you didn’t even know you were repeating, like why you keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners, or why you tend to shrink yourself in relationships to keep the peace. It’s not about blaming yourself for the breakup, but about understanding yourself better so you can grow. And here’s the thing nobody says out loud: You can be in therapy and still slip back into old habits.

Relapsing Into Old Patterns

You might swear off texting your ex…and then one lonely Friday night, there you are, re-reading old messages and wondering if “just checking in” is really so bad. You might swear you’ll never date the same “type” again, and then… boom. You meet someone who is exactly like your ex, just wearing a different hoodie. Relapse into old behaviors is not failure. It’s part of the process. Healing is not linear, it’s more like a dance: two steps forward, one step back. The point is not to never fall, it’s to catch yourself faster each time and choose differently.

Setting Boundaries (And Actually Keeping Them)

One of the most powerful tools after a breakup is boundaries, with your ex, with friends, with social media, and yes, even with yourself.

  • With your ex: If you say “no contact,” stick to it. Mute them on socials, delete the number if you have to.

  • With friends: Let them know what you need. Maybe you can’t handle hearing about their picture-perfect relationships right now. That’s okay.

  • With yourself: Stop romanticizing the good times while forgetting the reasons you broke up. Your brain loves to play “highlight reel,” you have to remind it of the whole story.

Boundaries aren’t about being cold. They’re about protecting your peace.

The Fears That Creep In

Breakups can shake your confidence in ways you didn’t expect. Maybe you’re scared you’ll never find love again. Maybe you’re scared that this was your shot and you blew it. Maybe you’re scared you’ll repeat the same patterns and end up in the same pain. Fear is natural, but don’t let it sit in the driver’s seat. Acknowledge it, but remember: fear is a liar. You are not unlovable. You are not destined to be alone forever. And you are not your past choices.

The Disappointments You Didn’t See Coming

Sometimes the biggest heartbreak after a breakup isn’t about the person you lost it’s, about the future you thought you were going to have. The trips you planned, the family you imagined, the milestones you thought you’d reach together. Letting go of that version of your life can be harder than letting go of the actual person. It’s okay to mourn the “what could have been.” It’s okay to cry over dreams that will never happen. But it’s also okay and necessary to start dreaming new ones that center you.

Healing On Your Own Time

Healing doesn’t always look pretty. Some days you’ll feel strong, like you can take on the world. Other days, you’ll feel like the world is taking you down. Both are part of the process. Don’t rush yourself. Don’t measure your progress by someone else’s timeline. And for the love of all things holy, don’t let social media fool you, those “I’m thriving” posts are often filtered through pain you can’t see. Your healing will be messy. It will be beautiful. It will be yours.


This is your season to fall in love with yourself again. To learn what brings you joy outside of another person. To set boundaries that protect your heart. To build a life so full that love is a bonus, not a necessity. Take your time. Cry when you need to. Laugh when you can. And know that one day, without even realizing it, you’ll wake up and realize you made it through  stronger, wiser, and softer in all the right ways.

Healing Homework: Small Steps for Big Shifts

These aren’t magic fixes, just little acts that help you take back your power one day at a time.

1. The 3-List Reset

Grab a notebook and make three lists:

  • What I Miss About Them

  • What I Do Not Miss

  • What I Want in My Next Chapter

    Reading that middle list will save you on lonely nights.

2. 30-Day No Contact Challenge

Give yourself a month with no texts, no peeking at their socials, no “accidental” drive-bys. Every day you stick to it, you’re proving to yourself you can stand without leaning on them.

3. Morning Mirror Pep-Talk

Every morning, look yourself in the eye and say: “I am worthy of love, and I am learning to love myself first.” You might feel silly at first but do it anyway.

4. The “Breakup Playlist”

Make a playlist with songs that make you feel powerful, not pitiful. Play it loud while you clean, get dressed, or walk outside. Music rewires mood faster than you think.

5. Self-Date Sunday

Pick one day a week to treat yourself how you wish a partner would. Coffee at your favorite spot, a movie, a home spa day...no apologies, no guilt.

6. Phone a “Safe Friend”

Choose one person you can call when you feel the urge to reach out to your ex. Have a code word for “I’m spiraling.” Let them talk you off the ledge.


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